Life on the Pro Circuit: Let the Games Begin

Written by: Staff on 26th May 2013

Life on the Pro Circuit: Let the Games Begin

epa03690669 French tennis player Marion Bartoli returns the ball to Spanish Maria Teresa Torro during their second round match of the Madrid Open tennis tournament at La Caja Magica tennis center in Madrid, central Spain, 07 May 2013. EPA/CHEMA MOYA |

Ladder is one of those universal terms in the tennis club world. It signifies how players stack up against each other – the top of the ladder representing those whose competitive prowess is lionesque and the bottom denoting those whose swings resemble unfolding lawn chairs. For the aspiring professional, the bottom of the ladder is the $10,000 qualifying. It’s filled with has-beens, also-rans, down-and-outers, and the infrequent high-flier on her way to an endorsement contract and some serious Simoleans. Round one of $10,000 qualifying commences today.

The opponent is Mexican, spawned on clay courts beneath a sweltering sun. She is 5’3 with close-cropped hair and legs like rodeo barrels. I apologize to the reader for lacking an accurate description, but it’s fairly close to the top half of a monkey and the bottom half of an elephant. My player is 5”11 with a bright smile and natural power. As tennis aficionados know, all of this means nothing as far as winning is concerned. We’ve reviewed the game plan – the Mexican likes to be eight feet behind the baseline and prefers to play with her backhand crosscourt, come in behind a few kick serves on the ad side, keep your feet moving forward when she slices because the courts are slower than Marion Bartoli’s trip through the buffet line, etc., but one never knows what a sixteen year-olds brain will do when confronted with a new experience. I drop into a plastic chair and set my phone for vibrate. On the ground beside me, a nineteen year-old male has just finished a third set tiebreaker and is undergoing a series of full body cramps that suggests either epilepsy or drug addiction. People around him get upset if you laugh.

The kid serves well to open and wins the first game.

When tourists pass the courts, their jaws drop off to the left to form a sort of misshapen“O” and, when accompanied by the primal “oof,” hints at someone getting punched in the stomach. They generally stand for a few minutes, awestruck by the force of the game. But too, at least for the older men, ogling these half-clad teenage girls whose groaning and screaming can get, let’s face it, pretty uncomfortable. They gaze with city bus-ish vacuity and you just know inappropriate thoughts are going through their heads.

The first set comes easily, along with more confidence.

With so many countries represented, we get a mix of styles. Driven by their conditioning and willingness to play long points, the macho clay courters who grind their opponents into submission and get athletic hard-ons when an adversary makes an unforced error. Also, the American hardcourters who blast serves and forehands in hopes of ending points before any sense of rhythm is established. Plus, the little Asian ball machines who scamper back and forth, hitting half-paced crosscourt balls with technical perfection but have about as much power as Joe Biden. And lest we forget the Euros, who spend several Speedo’d hours sunbathing and then don tennis gear and display all sorts of artistic flair with what seems like an absolute lack of concern for winning or losing (except the Germans and the Czechs!).

Forty-five minutes later, it is over. The girl has executed well and we go off to celebrate her first professional victory – this means twenty minutes of on-court practice followed by another twenty in the gym. Dinner tonite comes from a steakhouse, and based on the scarcity of small rodents around town, I’m pretty firm on settling for the pasta.

On the resort front, things seem to be regressing. Everyone within sandal-wearing-viewing range is wearing sandals. There are young men who should not take their white t-shirts off, and others who have taken their white t-shirts off and look like they still have them on, and there are old men who have the same sagging breasts as old women and old women who have more hair on their chests than their husbands have on their heads. There are fierce-faced children jumping onto fake flamingos and shrieking for ungodly reasons, while parents suck straws dipped into equatorial fruit juices overrun with Two-Buck-Chuck-value liquor. Loads of dead-looking but not-dead bodies are all over the place. Too, there are raccoons that will give you high fives to keep you from noticing their friends stealing your taco – bandit bastards. Man-made waterfalls are ubiquitous enough that you have a constant and almost unnerving desire to hit the urinal. Since several local men in cotton pants and long sleeve button downs sport enviably dry (not wet) skin, I’m also pretty certain I’m the resort’s endocrine mutant, constantly perspiring worse than Marat Safin trying to write a love letter.

Follow 10SBALLS.COM on:

Facebook:

Twitter:

10sBalls Top Stories

In Case You Missed It

EUGENIE BOUCHARD NAMED 2018 TENNIS CANADA FEMALE PLAYER OF THE YEAR / EUGENIE BOUCHARD NOMMÉE JOUEUSE DE L’ANNÉE 2018 DE TENNIS CANADA

Tennis Canada announced on Wednesday that Eugenie Bouchard is the winner of the 2018 Excellence Awards in the Female Player of the Year and Singles Player of the Year categories.

TENNIS NEWS • CALIFORNIA CHAMPIONSHIPS • TOMMY HAAS, TAYLOR FRITZ, STEVE JOHNSON, MARDY FISH AND MORE

Time to get tickets to watch! Surly you have heard about The Largest Open Tennis Event in America!

TENNIS NEWS • RAFA NADAL CONFIRMS RETURN TO PRACTICE, EYES ABU DHABI EXHIBITION AND AUSTRALIAN SUMMER

According to Uncle Toni, Rafael Nadal was supposed to be back at practice on either Dec. 4 or 5. Well, better late than never!

Conchita Martínez prepara la temporada 2019 de Karolina Pliskova en Tenerife

Española y checa ya trabajaron juntas durante el pasado Open de Estados Unidos

ALEJANDRO’S FAVORITE PHOTOS FOR 10SBALLS FROM SOME OF THIS YEAR’S TOURNAMENTS

Jelena Ostapenko of Latvia hits a forehand to Kaia Kanepi of Estonia during her second round match at the Nature Valley International tennis tournament in Eastbourne, Great Britain, on Tuesday, June 26, 2018.