The “You Can’t Be Serious” Defense – By: Jack Neworth

Written by: Staff on 25th August 2012

The “You Can’t Be Serious” Defense - By: Jack Neworth |

By: Jack Neworth

As the U.S. Open is about to begin, the tennis world is still in shock from the arrest in New York City of Lois Goodman, a diminutive but rotund red-headed 70-year-old lines umpire. She was charged with murdering her 80-year-old husband, Alan, at their Woodland Hills, California condominium on April 17th.

Reportedly, Ms. Goodman has been refereeing high profile tennis matches since 1979 and has a reputation for being “feisty.” (Although if ultimately found guilty of this alleged crime, perhaps “feisty” is a slight understatement.)

At the time of her arrest, Ms. Goodman was wearing her official U.S. Open gear, the simple but elegant blue Ralph Lauren sweat suit and sneakers. Prosecutors said Goodman was detained at 8:00 A.M. by detectives outside a Sheraton hotel. Apparently she was trying to catch a shuttle to Flushing Meadows where qualifying matches were ongoing.

Later in the day Ms. Goodman was officially charged in her husband’s death. Police contend that Alan Goodman was beaten with a coffee mug and then stabbed to death with its broken shards. (Ouch!)

A few days ago I thought Rafael Nadal’s withdrawing from the Open due to a chronic injury was a bit shocking. I think it’s fair to say, this upstages that, unless of course you are a really huge Rafa fan.

But before I go any further, let me remind readers that in the United States a person accused of a crime is presumed innocent until proven guilty. This is a basic tenant of our entire judicial system. The problem is, if you don’t already know the details, wait until you see “her story.” Forgive me, but when you do I’m guessing you’ll wonder, as I do, why it took the police so long. So what’s the latest update on Lois? (Lois? All of a sudden I sound chummy with her. Oh well.)

As of Thursday evening, according to the Wall Street Journal, Lois arrived back in Los Angeles and was taken to a police station near LAX. (However, WSJ did not reveal the name of the in-flight movie.) She is expected to be arraigned in L.A. on Monday. Over the weekend, the tabloids are going to go crazy. (I should talk.)

Prosecutors indicate that they plan to request $1 million bail. If convicted, Lois could face up to life in prison. In the meantime, it’s safe to say that she’s definitely missing this year’s Open.

Given her reported dour demeanor, in the press Lois has been referred to as the “court curmudgeon.” (Although homicide may be a tad beyond curmudgeon.) The alleged crime has been dubbed the “Coffee Cup Murder.”

Alan Goodman, 80, died on April 17. Lois reportedly told police “it appeared to have been an accident and that she had been out all day refereeing a tennis match,” said Lt. David Storaker of the LAPD who was skeptical, “It was a suspicious death from the beginning.”

“Suspicious?” Ya think? Her story appears to be that her husband, while holding a cup of coffee, fell down the stairs, and had a heart attack but, covered in blood, managed to crawl back upstairs and into bed. With all the unemployed script writers in the Woodland Hills area it seems a shame Lois couldn’t have come up with a slightly better story.

Despite suspicions, it wasn’t until Aug. 2 that Alan Goodman’s death was declared a homicide and his wife of decades became the prime suspect. Among details that troubled detectives were the statements of two paramedics who noted an odd-shaped wound on Alan Goodman’s head; this according to a police detective’s affidavit obtained by the Los Angeles Times and KCAL-TV.

Speculation is running wild about motive in the alleged murder. Given that Lois had been refereeing tennis matches since 1979, it’s possible that this horrific event may wind up being tennis’ version of “going postal.” I shall elaborate.

My sources in the legal world suggest that the case may lead to a unique defense, and yet not one without precedent. The “You can’t be serious” defense could postulate that a crime, such as this, is the result of PTLD (Post Traumatic Linesperson Disorder).

The theory could go as follows: Lois, who throughout her linesperson history, was the victim of numerous, upsetting verbal assaults. (Allegedly she crossed swords with McEnroe, Connors and Agassi.) She was forced to accept these insults as part of her job. But perhaps not without an emotional toll.

For example, on the day of his death, what if Mr. Goodman, having found the missing TV remote yelled at Lois, “Are you blind?” It’s possible this chance remark could have triggered a flashback that caused her to snap. The unfortunate circumstance, of course, being that she had an apparently lethal coffee mug in her hand at the time. (I know it’s terribly “anti-green” but if only it had been Styrofoam.)

If this defense were successful in court, it might be forever known as “playing the McEnroe card.” Think about the possible psychic damage that could be caused being on the receiving end of these Mac Attacks: “You CANNOT be serious!” Or, “You guys are the pits of the world!” Or, “Over 1,000 officials to choose from, and I get a moron like you!” Or, “Answer the question, jerk!”

Only time will tell the truth of this terrible tragedy. Until then, reportedly inside the Goodman’s garage was a red Toyota Prius with a frame around the license plate that said, “Verbally Abused Tennis Umpire.’’ Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, the defense rests.

(Jack Neworth writes a humor column every Friday in the Santa Monica Daily Press at www.smdp.com. He is also the co-author of” Men in White”, a screenplay about tennis legend Pancho Gonzalez and his rollercoaster forty-five-year friendship with fellow HOF player Pancho Segura. Jack can be reached at jnsmdp@aol.com)

Topics: Alan Goodman, Coffee Cup Murder, Jack Neworth, Lois Goodman, Rafael Nadal, Sports, Tennis, tennis killings, Tennis News, U.S. Open, US Open 2012