The Federer Effect IX – “Breaking News”

Written by: Jason Whittington on 15th January 2012

Tennis Australian Open 2012 - Federer practice

The Federer Effect IX - “Breaking News”

Swiss tennis player Roger Federer practices practices at the Rod Laver Arena ahead of the Australian Open Tennis Tournament in Melbourne, Australia, 10 January 2011. The tournament runs from January 16 until 29. EPA/JULIAN SMITH AUSTRALIA AND NEW ZEALAND OUT |

With only hours to go until the men’s singles draw is unveiled for the Australian Open, the first Grand Slam tournament of the year, it was confirmed today by a consortium of global scientists that Roger Federer is in fact human.

It has long been rumored that Federer was not of this planet, conspiracy theorists point toward his movement across the court without seemingly touching the surface, it’s said he’s never worn out the toe on a tennis shoe. Others can’t quite get a grip on how he can play a 38 ball rally and not show any signs of breathing… as if he posses special breathing gills disguised by his headband. It was also reported a few years ago the now classic RF logo was NOT in fact designed, but had just materialized and had to be quickly adopted to keep things under wrap, which tied in with rumors of an Area 51 sighting? Then there was Apple-gate, a rumor that the late Steve Jobs and Roger Federer had developed and implanted a chip so intelligent and intuitive that it would create a forehand with such accuracy and power and yet its execution would appear effortless. The chip would allow one to see the ball bigger, longer and allow the user to completely keep ones head perfectly still during shot making.

Finally the record has been set straight, Doctors and trainers alike have confirmed that Roger Federer did actually experience some discomfort in his back from playing in cold conditions at the Qatar Tournament, forcing him to take some time off before the Austrian Open. It was also confirmed the blemish on his face was due to eating too much Swiss chocolate and was not a signal from his alleged home planet of Fedlearia. Finally we can put this global controversy to rest and move on.

Topics: Australian Open, Roger Federer