Close Encounters Of The Tennis Kind

Written by: Staff on 24th January 2011

Close Encounters Of The Tennis Kind

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Poor old Andy Ireland; his secret is out. He believes in aliens. He will never live this down.

The lovely Mr Ireland is Andy Murray’s physio and travels around the world keeping Scotland’s finest in good working order as he attempts to win his first grand slam title. And Mr I must be doing a good job because the Muzz absolutely flattened Jurgen Melzer 6-3, 6-1, 6-1 to reach the quarter finals in just one hour and 44 minutes.

After the master class was over, Jim Courier grabbed the Muzz for the customary on-court interview but, in truth, could not think of much to ask him given that the match was so one-sided. Luckily, the great Billy Connolly had come to support his countryman, so a bit of chat about the Big Yin took up some of the allotted interview time. Billy, though, did not want to participate in the banter – he had a gig later and was keeping his best material for the paying customers – leaving Jimbo clutching at straws. “You’re a bit of a stand-up guy,” he said to the Muzz as the camera zoomed in. “A stand-up guy?” said Muzz, looking horrified. “You’re standing up and you told me in the locker room that you wouldn’t mind taking the mic,” Jimbo continued. “Do you want to say a few words?”

Now, Muzza is actually quite a shy chap and has had to learn to deal with all the attention and publicity he receives on account of his remarkable ability with bat and ball. Press conferences used to be something of an ordeal for him in the early days and, even now, the thought of sitting a room full of middle-aged strangers and justifying his very existence hardly fills him with joy. Being put on the spot, then, in front 15,000 spectators and one the world’s greatest comedians and being asked crack a gag was ever-so-slightly alarming. But, quick as a flash, he dodged the bullet and deflected it towards his support team.

“I’ll just throw this over to my box,” he said. “You see that guy there in the blue shirt? He believes in aliens. I’ll just leave it at that.”

And with that, the Muzz was off; he was not going to hang about and risk Courier coming up with another bright idea. Meanwhile, Andy Ireland was left to wave weakly at the camera while 15,000 people wondered why one of the world’s best tennis players employed a lunatic to help him.

For all that the Big Yin (no, it is not a meaningful Zen name; it actually means the Big One and was a nickname Connolly picked up as a teenager when he grew taller than his father who was also, confusingly, named Billy) did not want to talk in public, he was keen to meet the Muzz afterwards. And the Muzz was delighted to talk to one of his favourite comics.

“He’s obviously a very, very funny guy,” Murray said. “He’s very normal, too. It’s not like he was trying to be funny. He’s just a funny guy.

“We used to listen to him all the time, from maybe like when I was 10, 11 years old until I was up to 15, 16. My mum and dad were pretty lenient with that stuff. It’s probably why my language is so bad on the court.”

But there were very opportunities effing and blinding or any other expletives in the three brief sets against Melzer. Even Murray was surprised at just how well he was playing and he was particularly happy that when Melzer did dare to threaten – he broke the Muzz’s serve in the opening set – he was able to squash the attack in an instant (he broke straight back).

Murray has that rare ability to make any player look ordinary. In the previous rounds, Melzer had looked sharp and he had looked dangerous but the Muzz made him look average, pedestrian and, quite frankly, surplus to requirements. He committed just two unforced errors in the first set and only 10 overall – Melzer could not touch him.

Meanwhile, the Big Yin was having a blast and was entertaining Muzza’s support crew in the players’ box. But even if his publicist said that he did not want to be quoted or quizzed, the great Mrs Murray and her Blackberry were on hand to tell the world about Mr Connolly’s day at the tennis.

“Hilarious back row commentary in our box 2day,” she tweeted. “Big Yins invented a new shot. The DRIP shot. When the ball hits the tape and dribbles over:)”

So now the Muzz plays Alexandr Dolgopolov for a place in the semi finals. Seeing as the Big Yin is in town all week with his sell-out stand up show, he may well be back: Scotland’s funniest watching Scotland’s finest.

And all the while, Andy Ireland looks on, waiting for the mother ship to return. But now that we know that he believes in aliens, one burning question remains unanswered is: do aliens believe in Andy Ireland? Watch this space…

Topics: Andy Murray