Flagging up trouble

Written by: Staff on 31st August 2010

Flagging up trouble

Murray Mound |

For a tournament that loves its ceremonies and extravaganzas (or faffing about with flags, as we Brits call it), the US Open has suddenly become all shy and retiring. OK, there was the opening shindig with Martina Navratilova, James Blake and some fireworks on Monday night, but flags? Ah, that is another story entirely.

The Open, it turns out, forbids the possession and waving of national flags at matches. It forbids a lot of other things, too, but flags are a definite no-no. Clothes made out of flags are admissible but jumping around in them is deemed unacceptable. You are perfectly at liberty to shake your booty at the change of ends, but not if it happens to be wrapped in the national colours of an independent state.

Helpfully, one of the New York papers printed a list of dos and don’ts on the opening day of the tournament. Amongst the list of suggestions was “do not bring weapons (regardless of permit)”. Who knew? And there I was, packing my Kalashnikov into my laptop bag along with my sandwich and pickle…

The flag ban is, apparently, to prevent the outbreak of riots. Riots are, according to the powers-that-be in Flushing Meadows, a regular problem at international tennis events, particularly grand slams. That will come as a surprise to everyone at the All England Club.

Every year, the club is invaded by my people, the Brits, a race so spectacularly unexcitable that the nearest we come to civil disobedience is an outbreak of communal tutting. Should the tutting be accompanied by gentle eye-rolling (usually prompted by the length of the queues for the ladies’ lavs or the price of the sandwiches), it is time to break out the tear-gas and impose a curfew.

Admittedly, the Australian Open has had its moments, but, even then, the trouble has more to do with the combination of blisteringly hot sunshine and copious amounts of beer rather than the waving of flags. Sit in one and drink the other for long enough and you, too, could start a fight in an empty room.

The large Serbian and Croatian communities in Melbourne regularly come to the tennis and sometimes there is a bit of a dust-up. However, the gentlemen involved have tried to keep a lid on the problem by scheduling their visits carefully. When they failed to compare diary dates one year, both groups turned up together and there was a small bout of fisticuffs. When questioned about it by local television, one combatant was fuming. It was, according to him, the Serbs’ fault. They ought to have known that the Croats always came to the tennis on a Tuesday. What did they expect?

But if you want to start a riot of the US Open, it is best to start in the food court. This is a tournament that marches on its stomach. It also lives for its stomach, thinks about its stomach and caters for its stomach’s every need. Well, provided, that is, that its stomach craves fried foods and sugar.

A few years back, the tournament proudly announced the return of the Krispy Creme doughnut concession to the food court. It announced this alongside the return of Andre Agassi and Serena Williams to Flushing Meadows, thus proving that the US Open has its priorities sorted.

For those of us who grew up with queuing as a way of life (Brits will start a queue anywhere and for anything: we see a person standing still and we automatically go and stand behind him), the fight for calories in New York is a truly terrifying experience. Should you fail to bark out your order for nachos/fries/burgers/ice cream fast enough, the family behind you in the queue will trample you into the dust. And should you have the temerity order the last chicken korma at the curry stall, you are risking life and limb if the bloke behind you finds out.

However, should the US Open caterers manage to find a way of battering and deep frying flags (probably a more palatable option than many of the dishes on offer), then we will all be in trouble. If waving a flag fritter could cause a riot, preventing a punter from eating one could bring the place to a standstill.

Topics: Australian Open, Civil Disobedience, Copious Amounts, Curfew, England Club, Grand Slams, Independent State, International Tennis Events, James Blake, Kalashnikov, Lavs, Martina Navratilova, National Colours, National Flags, Opening Day, Pickle, Riots, Shindig, Tear Gas, Tutting